Surprised by Mercy

My father loves to say no to me.  He's very good at it.  Ever since I was little, the usual response to anything I ask will be a quick no.  In part I think this is because he finds it fun to say no, but it's also because many times he's not sure; and he would rather happily surprise me with a yes than let me get my hopes up only to crash them.

But there's another reason my dad might tell me no.  Sometimes, I have my heart so set on getting what I want that without it, I'll complain, gripe, and generally be an unhappy person to be around.  When my dad says no, it instantly turns into an argument.

And that's why he does it.

Throughout the years, I've learned to yield.  I've learned to accept his no.  I've learned to be content even without what I want.

But my father also does something really cool.  When I've accepted his no, when we both know that I love and respect him even though he hasn't given me what I want, in so many instances, he surprises me by giving me what I've given up on.

When I was little, he had a rule that when we were eating, we had to stay seated at the table and couldn't get up until we were done.  I've always been a wanderer, so on one particular occasion, I broke this rule.  I couldn't even tell you why except that I didn't want to sit still.  I picked up my cereal and started to walk around.  My dad saw me, and took my bowl away.

I've always been a passionate arguer, so it got ugly fast.  It really wasn't that big of a deal, but it wasn't what I wanted, so it quickly became a big deal.  But if I'm stubborn, I got it from my parents, and my dad finally shut me down.  After a short time of sulking, I finally accepted that he had the right to do what he wanted and had done nothing wrong (I couldn't have put it in those words but that was the gist of it).

And he came to me, and he gave me my cereal back.

Some people would call this cruel or unfair, but some people are stupid wrong shortsighted.  Clearly, my dad has the right.  I had blatantly disobeyed him, and I was in no danger of malnourishment (Anna was a pretty chubby kid).  It taught me to see two things: my lack of control, and my dad's mercy.  If he had said yes every time I wanted him to, I would have assumed that was the way things are supposed to be.  I wouldn't have seen his compassion, and I would have loved him less.

So here I am in 2019, and my heavenly Father has been teaching me the same lessons.

In the past two years, I've had two friendships that were very important to me.  Too important, really.  I clung to them like a cat clings to your nice blankets, and I thought if I could just do the right things, these friendships would go exactly like I wanted them to.

God told me to accept His control, and I sank my claws in deeper.  So He said no, and I fought so hard to keep these friendships.

But God is God.  Proverbs 16:1 says, "The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."  And He had said no.

So I lost two friends.  In one case, harsh words were spoken, and everything that had been falling apart imploded in a big way.  In the other, we never said outright that we were done being friends, but we went to lunch one day, acted like there wasn't tension, and then didn't speak again for months.

So I went on my life.

Understand, I don't have many friends; at least not ones that I actually talk to on a regular basis.  So losing two really close ones was like someone had cut a huge chunk of my life out.  I had poured myself into these people, and they were gone.

But it was what it was, and I finally understood that these friendships hadn't been things I could control.  I cried a little bit, and then I felt a peace like I've never known before.  It was stillness.  It was contentment.  I accepted that my life was changed, and that it wouldn't be changing back.

I wrote a lot.  I thought about college.  I spent time with family, and I reevaluated my commitments.

And then, after several months of no contact whatsoever, the first friend texted me to apologize.  I forgave them, and we started being friends again, with more maturity, with more kindness, and with more understanding.

It was a gift that I understood was from God.

And now He's given me my other friend back, in a way that I never expected.  His mercy never ceases to amaze me.  I lose things through my own stupidity, and He gives them back to me because He loves me.

God is good to His children.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
He will not always strive with us, 
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:8-14