The End of the Day

 It’s 3:12 AM.  My hammock is hanging next to our creek, and I can hear the steady, splashing sound of the waterfall.  I can see the light in the cabin where the boys are going to bed and hear their voices, but not make out what they’re saying.  The light flicks off, but they continue to talk quietly.

The peep frogs peep in the pond.  Crickets chirp.  The moon is just strong enough for me to see the outline of the trees above me against the paler night sky, but not much else.

There have been at least two interpersonal conflicts tonight.  There was an interesting visit to Waffle House, and even now, there’s a Jeep stuck deep in a ravine up by the power lines, that no amount of elbow grease from our weird little crew could compel to budge.  Quite a lot has happened since my mom said “Don’t do anything stupid,” and went to bed.

But on Wednesday one of us is moving, and we probably won’t see him for a long time, so now is the time to be cramming eight people into a vehicle made for five, and plowing through overgrown clear cut on street tires, and standing out by the hammocks talking about I don’t even remember until stupid times.

With “goodnight” still in my ears from the ones in the other hammocks and the ones in the cabin, I remember hearing Taps played years ago at camp, and the words we sang as we went to sleep, knowing that the next day would be another one packed with activity and full of memories.

Day is done, gone the sun;

From the lake, from the hill, from the sky.

All is well, safely rest;

God is nigh.

Emotions, Community, and Obedience

I was in the middle of writing a Music for the Masses post, but some things came to my attention and forced me to change course.  Where to start?

Tonight I drove from the off-site office where I was finishing up work to the store to drop off some pants for a new team member.  I grinned at everyone and said hi, and came inside, and grinned at everyone and said hi, and generally was an enjoyable person to interact with.  Nick came up.  We said hello, I rather cheerfully, he rather dubiously.  "You've been weird lately," he said.

"Oh, how?" I asked.

"Like...happy," he said, or something to that effect.

And my heart sank, because I knew exactly what he meant, and I had just about fooled myself into not thinking about it.

Let's talk about Community.  I've been watching a lot of Community lately, because it's good and because I'm a binger.  I feel a bit like Abed, but I'm afraid that might be very mainstream of me.  Everyone probably thinks they're Abed.  In reality, I worry that I might also have some Britta in me; the awkward selfishness that worries more about what image it's presenting than about other people.  But back to Abed.  I relate to two particular traits of his.

First, he doesn't really understand other people's emotions.  He doesn't get social cues.  People have to tell him what they're actually thinking and feeling, because he won't just pick up on it otherwise.  I'm like that, and sometimes people make me nervous because they seem so unpredictable and impenetrable.

Second, his perception of reality warps based on his own emotions.  [Spoilers ahead]  When Christmas brings up memories of his mom leaving, he sees things in Claymation.  When Troy is leaving, he sees the floor as lava.  He can't process reality, so he avoids it.  He changes how it looks in his head.  I don't take it quite to that level, but sometimes I do change how I perceive reality so that I can put off handling harder emotions.

I hate unpredictable emotions.  They make me feel undependable.  Out of control.  Sometimes it seems worth it just to put on an act so at least I get some facsimile of consistency.  And because I'm so lost in my own head and I feel inscrutable to myself, I assume I'm also inscrutable to others.  But I guess Nick noticed.

I've been pushing negative feelings down with books and shows and friends, because I don't feel like I have time to process them, and I don't want to just feel them.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want to fake being happy, but I hate it when I act like myself and people think something is wrong.

I am tired of feeling happy some days, and sad other days.  I want to get to a point where I've just leveled out and I'm content.  But that probably won't come.

I'm scared, because I know there's been some depression in my family, and I don't want to spend years of my adult life going through that.

I'm stressed because I don't want to do what I'm doing for work right now for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know if there's any job that I wouldn't eventually feel trapped in.

On a smaller note, I'm scared because I feel like my hearing is worse than it used to be, but I'm not sure how to actually measure it, so I don't even know.  And I'm twenty, so if it's going now, that's really not good, and it's almost certainly my fault for blaring my music at extraordinary volumes.

There are days (most days) when I wish that someone would just put their arm around my shoulders and let me cry for a little bit.  But I don't have a person that I really want to do that with, and it seems like a waste of time to cry by myself, so I put that off until a later date.

I can take pressure, and I can take pain.  I know I can, because I've been doing it for years.  But I also know that historically I don't notice when I'm starting to stretch close to my breaking point, and there is a breaking point.  It just comes and snaps me out of nowhere, and then I spend two months sitting on my back porch feeling nothing and talking to no one.

I'm certainly not unique.  Everyone goes through things like this, and many hurt worse.  I don't think it would be false to say that every single adult has felt worse than I'm feeling now at some point in their life.  That doesn't mean I want to keep feeling this way.

Truth is, I am tired of being happy.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired of putting effort into smiling at my friends because I know I'll seem unkind if I don't.  I'm tired of breaking up my alone time because other people want to spend time with me.  And I'm tired of being tired of it, because I know I'm being selfish.

I don't know how to get the rest I need (want?) and to also love others.  But I know that even when I don't feel like it, I have to put others before myself.  I know that to love my friends, and my enemies, is to love Christ.  And I know that love is only partly an emotion, and is primarily choice in action.

So until I reach my breaking point or God shows me how to balance these two things, I will keep making the choice to be kind to others and put their needs before my own.

But it might be worth looking into redefining kindness.  Do I have to smile and joke around?  Is that kind?  Or is that my way of avoiding actually engaging on a deeper level, because I don't trust people anymore?

Well, there's a whole can of worms.

What does it mean to engage with others in a Godly way?  Here's what I know: it has to start with the heart attitude.  I can talk as nice as I want, but if I'm thinking badly of others, I am not actually obeying God's command to love my neighbor.  Another thing I know: God did not create me to be exactly like anyone else, but I am called to be like Christ.  I can't measure my kindness by putting my words up next to someone else's and seeing how they compare.  But my attitude should be the same as Jesus'.  Yet another thing: this whole struggle is a part of my Christian walk.  God didn't promise me that walk would be easy, but he did promise to never leave me or forsake me.  His Word describes him as my strength, my fortress.  He is my Shepherd, and my Father.  I may struggle with this for the rest of my life, but I will never struggle alone.

Welp.  I don't want to spend my whole life putting a mask on for everyone else and then settling back down with a sigh of relief when I'm alone, which is what it feels like I've been doing lately.  And I don't want to be dishonest about who I am with those around me.  I do know that on one important level, I am what I do, so the fact that I can act a certain way means there is some truth in that.  But there's another level on which it's clear that if I'm exhausted and people are saying I'm not acting like me, there may be a gap between appearances and substance.

I think that as a Christian I shouldn't give free rein to negative emotions, by which I mean negative in a theological sense.  Not like sadness, which can be perfectly appropriate though unpleasant to feel at times, but things like envy, or anger in almost every situation.  But I do need to recognize that if I'm feeling those things, they're coming from somewhere.  Sins so often travel in packs, and emotions spring from thoughts and mindsets.  It's good to do some self-examination and be vulnerable.  Not only because the truth is important, and knowing it can help me get to the bottom of what's causing these things, but also because there's great value and comfort in being able to come to God with these things and confess and be held.

Anyhow, even if I don't come to any conclusions about anything, even if nothing is fixed, it's at least good and healthy to process some of the unpleasant emotions that I've been pushing under.  So praise God for that.  And thank God for Nick.

Emotions are good and natural, even though they are corrupted by the fall like everything else in this life.  It's good to feel them, and it's wrong for me to try to control them so tightly.  But it's also wrong to dwell on them for too long and with too much emphasis.  At the end of the day, I am not to follow my emotions.  I'm to follow God, and even when I can't trust myself I can trust his Word.

Now, I present to you a collection of memes that relate to our topic this evening.

[I gave up after getting tired of looking at all the dramatic, self-obsessed memes that people put out there and thought this was funnier, even though it in no way relates to the topic this evening.]