Sunday, March 23, 2014

Find out the backstory of a terrible *snort* criminal!

Author's Note

I am going to be continuing the What Really Happened series with Snow White in just a few days.  Today, however, I am doing something different.  One day, when I was young and playing with my little siblings, we decided to interview each other.  This was the interview with William, who insisted on being called William Samuel Tum-tum and saying some strange things.  Patience interviewed him and I sat off to the side and wrote it down so fast my fingers started smoking.  This is it, word for word.  Please make sure that all the milk is out of your mouth before you start reading.

Interview with William Samuel Tum-tum

Neighborhood News (made-up newspaper):  How old are you?

William:  Five hundred.

NN:  And how much money did you steal?

W:  652, 000.

NN:  Why did you steal it?

W:  It's what I've been doing my whole life?

NN:  Are you brother-in-law to Grup S. Groover?

W:  Yes.

NN:  Is Grup married?

W:  No.

NN:  Where did you grow up?

W:  California.

NN:  Where do you live?

W:  North Carolina.

NN:  What--when you were little, what did you do?

W:  My parents and brothers and I stole from the bank.

NN:  But you had a sister, right?

W:  My sister didn't marry Grup.  *snores*

NN:  Do you have narcolepsy?

W:  Yes.

NN:  Have you ever been to another country?

W:  New York.

NN:  I said country.

W:  I don't know what a country is.

NN:  Have you, um, William!  This is my exterminator thingy!  William!  Stop that!  William!  William!  Not that!

NN:  Have you ever murdered?

W:  Your brother.

NN:  I don't have a brother.

W:  Do you have a sister?

NN:  No.

W:  Anyway.  Interview me.

NN:  Who did you murder?

W:  My brother.

NN:  His name?
W:  Grup.

NN:  Grup isn't your brother.

William had no further remarks to make.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

What Really Happened: Rapunzel

Welcome to the second What Really Happened!  These are the missings from the story of Rapunzel.

Missing #1:  What father would give up his child to avoid punishment for stealing?  My guess is that the plant, rapunzel was some sort of drug and that the father had partaken of it.  And he was so addicted that he gave up his own child.

Missing #2:  I would assume that the tower where Rapunzel was kept was at least twenty feet tall.  If it weren't, it wouldn't qualify very well as a "tower" and it would be pretty easy to climb.  Keeping that in mind, along with the fact that the average hair growth is 6 inches per year, it would take her forty years for her hair to grow twenty feet.  

Missing #3:  Every girl with long hair knows that if you don't cut your hair, it will get frizzy and dry.  Forty-year-old hair is not going to stay strong and beautiful, like apparently Rapunzel's did.  Which leads us to our next missing...

Missing #4:  Maybe the witch could have managed it up Rapunzel's hair, endowed with her magical powers, but dry, dead hair is not going to bear a prince's weight, even a skinny prince.  Therefore, the rapunzel plant must have had something in it that kept Rapunzel's hair like it was.

Missing #5:  There are two versions to this part of the story.  In one, Rapunzel remarks that her dress is getting tight around her dress, indicating pregnancy.  In another, she asks the witch why she is so much easier to pull up than the prince.  In both, I think we can agree, Rapunzel could use a little common sense.  Although I must say, in that first version, if Rapunzel is forty years old, of course her dress is getting tight!  She came to live with the witch when she was twelve years old.  Of course, the witch could have been getting her new clothes.  She could have just been overweight, too.  Did the witch even think of that?

Missing #6:  Let me just ask you a question?  If you were blind, could you wander for months through the wilderness and survive?  I didn't think so.  The prince must have found someone to lead him through.

Thank you for reading.  If you have any comments or suggestions, please voice them.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

What Really Happened: Cinderella

Have you ever read a fairy tale?  I'm sure you have.  I'm sorry for your pain.  The thing is, fairy tales sadly lack believability.  Let me tell you some things that obviously were true but left out in the story of Cinderella.

Missing #1:  Wouldn't Cinderella's neighbors and friends notice that she was now a servant when before she had been nobility?  Her step-family could have bribed them--but you would suppose that there must have been at least one honest person among all her acquaintance.  If they said she was sick they would have tried to visit her.   If she supposedly died, people would have gone to her funeral, which the step-family would not want to spend money on.  They would have had to move to an area of the kingdom entirely unsuitable for visits from old friends.

Missing #2:  Their new house had AWESOME security.  Otherwise, Cinderella would have escaped, even if by accident.  She was a servant, so she knew the ins and the outs of the place.  

Missing #3:  Cinderella was very young when her father died.  Then it would have been much easier to get her to stay a servant.  She also wasn't initially very strong but she became strong through her chores.  Which explains why she was able to run faster than the prince even in a ball gown.

Missing #4:  Cinderella didn't wear the shoes.  They were glass and would break.  Her dress was long enough that this could be concealed.  It's understandable.  Cinderella was a servant girl and was probably not accustomed to shoes, especially glass ones.  She could have hidden them in the folds of her dress, and somehow pinned them there.  When she ran one fell out.  This also helps explain why she could run so fast.  

Missing #5:   Cinderella's feet were oddly shaped.  If they weren't, the shoes would have fit someone else, too.  That's why shoes are mass-made.  But Cinderella's were custom-made, so they were different.

Missing #6:  After this incident Cinderella was forever afraid of coaches, horses, coachmen, and footmen.  She was always afraid that they would suddenly turn into pumpkins, mice, rats, and lizards.

And that's it.  I will be doing several more What Really Happeneds, so stick around.  If you have any suggestions or questions be sure to leave a comment.