Surprised by Mercy

My father loves to say no to me.  He's very good at it.  Ever since I was little, the usual response to anything I ask will be a quick no.  In part I think this is because he finds it fun to say no, but it's also because many times he's not sure; and he would rather happily surprise me with a yes than let me get my hopes up only to crash them.

But there's another reason my dad might tell me no.  Sometimes, I have my heart so set on getting what I want that without it, I'll complain, gripe, and generally be an unhappy person to be around.  When my dad says no, it instantly turns into an argument.

And that's why he does it.

Throughout the years, I've learned to yield.  I've learned to accept his no.  I've learned to be content even without what I want.

But my father also does something really cool.  When I've accepted his no, when we both know that I love and respect him even though he hasn't given me what I want, in so many instances, he surprises me by giving me what I've given up on.

When I was little, he had a rule that when we were eating, we had to stay seated at the table and couldn't get up until we were done.  I've always been a wanderer, so on one particular occasion, I broke this rule.  I couldn't even tell you why except that I didn't want to sit still.  I picked up my cereal and started to walk around.  My dad saw me, and took my bowl away.

I've always been a passionate arguer, so it got ugly fast.  It really wasn't that big of a deal, but it wasn't what I wanted, so it quickly became a big deal.  But if I'm stubborn, I got it from my parents, and my dad finally shut me down.  After a short time of sulking, I finally accepted that he had the right to do what he wanted and had done nothing wrong (I couldn't have put it in those words but that was the gist of it).

And he came to me, and he gave me my cereal back.

Some people would call this cruel or unfair, but some people are stupid wrong shortsighted.  Clearly, my dad has the right.  I had blatantly disobeyed him, and I was in no danger of malnourishment (Anna was a pretty chubby kid).  It taught me to see two things: my lack of control, and my dad's mercy.  If he had said yes every time I wanted him to, I would have assumed that was the way things are supposed to be.  I wouldn't have seen his compassion, and I would have loved him less.

So here I am in 2019, and my heavenly Father has been teaching me the same lessons.

In the past two years, I've had two friendships that were very important to me.  Too important, really.  I clung to them like a cat clings to your nice blankets, and I thought if I could just do the right things, these friendships would go exactly like I wanted them to.

God told me to accept His control, and I sank my claws in deeper.  So He said no, and I fought so hard to keep these friendships.

But God is God.  Proverbs 16:1 says, "The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."  And He had said no.

So I lost two friends.  In one case, harsh words were spoken, and everything that had been falling apart imploded in a big way.  In the other, we never said outright that we were done being friends, but we went to lunch one day, acted like there wasn't tension, and then didn't speak again for months.

So I went on my life.

Understand, I don't have many friends; at least not ones that I actually talk to on a regular basis.  So losing two really close ones was like someone had cut a huge chunk of my life out.  I had poured myself into these people, and they were gone.

But it was what it was, and I finally understood that these friendships hadn't been things I could control.  I cried a little bit, and then I felt a peace like I've never known before.  It was stillness.  It was contentment.  I accepted that my life was changed, and that it wouldn't be changing back.

I wrote a lot.  I thought about college.  I spent time with family, and I reevaluated my commitments.

And then, after several months of no contact whatsoever, the first friend texted me to apologize.  I forgave them, and we started being friends again, with more maturity, with more kindness, and with more understanding.

It was a gift that I understood was from God.

And now He's given me my other friend back, in a way that I never expected.  His mercy never ceases to amaze me.  I lose things through my own stupidity, and He gives them back to me because He loves me.

God is good to His children.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
He will not always strive with us, 
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:8-14

More Music for the Masses

I start this post with two songs in mind that I would like to recommend, and no idea of those that will follow.

Follow me, dears.  It will be an adventure.

Traveling Alone - Jason Isbell

There's something so perfect in this song's lyrical composition, all the lovely detail in the verses that pulls you in and gives you a feel for where he is and what he's doing and what he's done.  And then the chorus repeats quite simply, "I've grown tired of traveling alone, won't you ride with me?"  It's filled with artless weariness, and yet the feeling that maybe there's a new beginning in store.  

Another Try - Chris Stapleton

Now, it's no secret that Chris Stapleton has some serious songwriting credits to his name.  He was penning country hits before he ever left the Steeldrivers to become a hit himself in the country world.  I first heard this song when listening to Josh Turner's album, Everything is Fine, and enjoyed it quite a bit.  But it wasn't until the other day that I realized Stapleton wrote this song and had his own recording of it out there.  And it wasn't until I listened to that recording that I realized how the song should be heard.  To be fully appreciated, it needs that more stripped down quality rather than the full country band treatment.  And those harmonies in the second chorus get the song and make it at the same time.  And that's without even Stapleton's vocals.  There's no growl here, folks.  It's all simple sincerity.

***

There's been a break here, not because I couldn't think of what else to say, but because life called.  When I started this post, it was midday and I was fine and fresh.  Now, you have typical tired Anna.  The time is 10:50.

Continuing on.

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone - Brooks & Dunn with Ashley McBryde

The first song of Ashley's that I remember hearing is "Andy (I Can't Live Without You)".  That's a lovely song, and you should probably listen to it.  She has a very cool style, and has worked very hard at her artistry for years and years, and only recently, thanks to Eric Church, has she become more known in the mainstream.  So, here comes Brooks & Dunn with their Reboot album, where they take their old hits and remake them with current country stars.  "You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone" was already my favorite Brooks & Dunn song.  The chorus is so simple, yet perfectly captures the tension and the mood of the song.  And I knew Ashley's talent.  So I had high hopes for this remake, and I was not disappointed.  The original was country.  The reboot is beautiful country, and those harmonies give it something that it didn't have before.

JOY - Ellie Goulding

The last three songs could easily go on a playlist together.  "JOY" does not belong on that playlist.  I'm typically ambivalent toward Ellie Goulding.  She has some great songs that I don't see anyone else doing anything similar to ("Explosions," anyone?), but in general I find that her production is either too poppy or too overdone for my taste.  "JOY" starts so simply, and builds up.  I do find myself wishing that this little song's climax had been done a little more organically, but it's got such a lovely contrast between verse and chorus, and such a complex taste overall, I'm inclined to overlook that.

Learning How to Bend - Gary Allan

Whew, we're back to the country!  I think when Gary Allan is at his best, he has a very interesting, unique feel to him, something strange and subtle he adds to the song that I can't quite describe.  The songs that I would say show this the best are "Best I Ever Had," "Life Ain't Always Beautiful," and of course, "Learning How to Bend."

The Prayer - Aaron Watson

No, Aaron Watson hasn't started singing in Italian.  You remember when Johnny Cash took "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails and made his own iconic version of it?  Well, Aaron Watson has written a song about Johnny Cash singing "Hurt."  And it's pretty darn good.  When Aaron Watson does something well, he does it really well. 

And on that note, goodnight.

Waiting: A Ramble

Now we come to the part of the show where Anna talks to herself.  But we don't need to pretend that's the oddest thing I've done on this blog.

To be exact, I'm talking to myself about myself in full view of everyone else.  And the thoughts are coming fast, so put on your seatbelt and hold onto the panic handle please.

Waiting is hard.  Even harder is waiting for something that you can see, but just can't have yet.  Harder still?  Waiting for something that you can see, think you might have someday, but just aren't sure of.  And the hardest?  Giving it up to God to do with what He will.

So that's kind of where I am, I guess.  I'm a thinker, so I think about this a lot.  It's hard to think about anything else, in fact.  But I've learned to let go of control over the last few months.  It's still incredibly difficult, but by God's grace, I can do it.

It's hard sitting here, with what's in front of me on my mind and out of reach.  Sometimes I do stupid things because of it.  But the fact is, whatever God will do is already written in stone.  I just have yet to see.

So how can I use this time effectively?  Well, by prayer, by reading God's Word, by learning patience in the face of difficulty.  By accepting that if I never have this thing, my life will be no worse for it.  By choosing to appreciate the things I have already, which are pretty great, and love the people in my life.

Sometimes, I think about what will happen if I do get this thing.  If I do, it will have been worth the waiting, and the aching, and the tears.  And if I don't, the sanctification will be worth the waiting, and the aching, and the tears.

Ultimately, Christ is the fulfillment of all good things that we see on earth.  If I'm not looking up at this thing, and then looking higher to Him, I shouldn't expect to get it, or to ever be really satisfied if I do.

Oh Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; 
You maintain my lot.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Yes, I have a good inheritance.

I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;
My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.
I have set the Lord always before me;
Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

Psalm 16:5-8