Cody Johnson and the Cost of Being a Christian

 Tonight I listened to the new tracks released as part of Cody Johnson's Leather Deluxe Edition, and I thought, "Oh, hmm."

It's a very interesting mix of songs, and some of them I found underwhelming.  "Overdue" was very country, but nothing in the lyrics really caught me.  "How Do You Sleep at Night?" was more clever than it appears on the surface, but the chorus really dragged on.

I really liked "The Fall," and I think I was one note away from goosebumps.  I love how the chorus drops down at the beginning into the lower notes, and then slowly rises.  I will admit that after hearing "worth" nine times in the chorus, I was starting to question what that word actually means, but I was also tired so I'll chalk that one up to me.

Cody Johnson didn't seem like the solid family man that he usually appears to be on a lot of these tracks, and that was kind of weird.  I know that an artist's songs don't always reflect their actual life, and I'm sure that's especially true in his case since he doesn't write many of his songs, but it still felt unbalanced.  I often think of him in the same vein as Luke Combs, but I think of Cody Johnson as being even more established and mature, and it was odd not seeing that reflected in the music.  "I Wished It Was You" was particularly frustrating.  But "Over Missin' You" seemed more true to life, and was also extremely well-written.

Okay, why the freak did I start writing this at 11PM.  It definitely wasn't so I could ramble on about every single one of the thirteen tracks that were for some reason added onto a twelve-track album.

The last of the original tracks is called "Make Me A Mop," which I believe I've mentioned on here before.  Interesting title, right?  Interesting song.

The last of the new tracks is called "The Mustang."  And it's also very interesting.

If you're used to Cody Jinks or Zach Bryan or Miranda Lambert, or basically anyone, you'll think that song is about something entirely different than what it is.  It's probably an ode to freedom, to wildness; it probably acknowledges the conflict and the pain that comes with that, but is almost proud of that price.

Let me back up for a second, and actually step away from music for a moment.  I was talking to someone recently about nominal Christianity vs. true faith in Christ, and about how the difference is seen in what you're willing to sacrifice.  Nominal Christians in the South often see their faith as part of their "brand" or identity.  A true Christian is willing to give up their identity for Christ.  They are willing to be changed to look more like Him, even when that is painful.

Morgan Wallen is a great example of nominal Christianity in song.  And I say that not because I want to bash, but because he's one of if not the most popular artist in country music right now and that message is very much out there to be consumed.  "In The Bible" describes it perfectly.

Cody Johnson's music is actually the perfect example of the opposite.  And in particular the two songs I mentioned: "Make Me A Mop" and "The Mustang."

Key lyrics from "Make Me A Mop":

Make me a shovel, make me whatever

A handle on a cup you glue back together

If breaking a man just makes him better,

Then do what you gotta do

The rest of the lyrics follow the same theme.  It's a song full of genuine humility and submission to God.  It is so far removed from the secular mindset, it's almost shocking to hear.

"The Mustang" is, in my opinion, even more shocking.

The start isn't that odd.  It sounds very typical Gospel-y, he was saved from his wild ways, etc.  There's a mustang comparison, but it's easy to not take the metaphor too seriously.

I used to run just like a mustang

With my head down in the wind

At a pace too fast to recognize

The places that I've been

Living up my years of freedom

Like the words to a song

I found myself believing

That I can make it on my own

Then he's saved out of that, and finds himself free.  The only thing that might give you pause is the last line before the first chorus:  I surrendered all I had, and let the master take the reigns.  If you don't like thinking of Christ as Lord that might not go down incredibly easily, but it's still a very normal Christian concept to hear.

The second chorus, however, takes the mustang metaphor and pushes it further.

Often looked upon as beauty

When the mustang runs and bucks

Some criticize the ones we ride

And pull behind our trucks

But they were put here with a purpose

That the wild ones have yet to find

Like me, they just need breaking down

To open up their eyes

And the chorus:

And see I'm free

I'm not scared and I'm not running

I'm right where I'm supposed to be

Yes I'm free

I know from over there

It might look like captivity

But on this side of the fence

It feels like free

Of course there are undertones of this theme in much of country music.  Songs about giving your life to Christ and stepping out in faith.  Brantley Gilbert actually has some of the most sincere expressions of faith in mainstream country music, and has talked a lot about faith and alcoholism.

But I have never heard a song that subverts these specific expectations.  Because he's absolutely right: we do see the wild horses as the most beautiful, and see it as a shame that they get broken and lose their wildness.  There are songs specifically about that, and ones that describe people the same way.

I think there's also a stigma about acknowledging that the Christian's life has to include giving things up.  People want to focus on what it adds, and the joy and the peace, and it's so true that Christ is worth more than all the things we could ever give up for Him.  But we tend to avoid saying anything that could indicate that Christianity has unpleasant parts.

The fact is, true faith in Christ and all that it entails will not be appealing to someone whose heart has not been changed by the Holy Spirit.  Certain aspects will, but not the whole package.  I think that is what is so shocking to me, that he and one other co-writer wrote a song designed for mainstream consumption that I'm not sure non-Christians can even relate to.

To unbelievers, it looks like we're in captivity.  But in Christ, we can see the freedom we have.  Freedom from sin, from guilt, from fear.  Freedom from trying to find meaning in all the things that have no meaning apart from God.

So I guess you could say I liked the song.

Fall Album: KING by Tucker Beathard

 Well, it's my first post of the year, and it's already fall.  I'm sitting outside in what basically amounts to perfect weather; cool enough for a light jacket, but not cold, and a little breeze every once in a while.

I don't have a favorite season (no season is consistent in North Carolina anyway), but I love when summer turns to fall.  I love being able to ride with the windows down without sweating through everything I'm wearing, having more options as far as comfortable clothing goes, seeing the leaves turn warm colors, and being able to spend time outside going on walks, or sitting or talking with friends, or just watching the birds wheeling around against giant blue skies.

I also love being able to break into my fall playlists.  It's not that I can't or don't listen to them at any other time of year, but they never hit as right in July as they do in October.  I listen to individual songs that seem to suit the weather and the mood of fall, but what I really treasure is when I can find a whole album that fits the season.  I have a couple, but for me the dark horse that I've been able to come back to over and over again is KING by Tucker Beathard.

I say dark horse because I have never heard anyone in my circles talk about Tucker Beathard.  I typically listen to the independent guys, the Texans, the Appalachians, the ones who don't have a label and don't need one, because their fans are absolutely crazy about them.  Cody Jinks, Charles Wesley Godwin, Sturgill Simpson, etc.  I read Saving Country Music, and I watch Grady Smith videos on YouTube.  I haven't intentionally listened to the radio in probably a year and a half.

Tucker Beathard is a Nashville boy, born to industry songwriter Casey Beathard.  He was signed to a label when he was 20 years old, and those who would call it nepotism are probably partially right.  Tucker's never really seemed to take off.  He has 74.7k monthly listeners on Spotify.  If you compare that to Kody West, who unlike Tucker doesn't even have a Wikipedia page, it shows how bleak that number is.  Kody has over 388k monthly listeners, and only tours inside Texas.

On the surface, it looks like Tucker Beathard was set up to succeed, and wasn't good enough to.

"20/10 TN" came up on one of my Spotify daily mixes before I had premium, and I don't think I gave it too much thought initially.  This is pretty normal for me, sometimes it takes me a couple listens to really let a song sink in.  It turned up a couple more times, because Spotify didn't really know what to do with my tastes.  And at one point, it caught my attention in a big way.  It was not a normal song.

Music-wise, it was pretty standard.  Mainly guitar and drum, a good melody but nothing crazy.  The lyrics, though, start with "Hey, it's me, I'm just wondering where you are?  I woke up late, I think the game's about to start."  And then we get a second phone call, and he talks about what's happening in the game.

I mean, that's weird enough.  It could be a song just about football, something like "Boys of Fall" but focusing even more on the actual game itself, and I would respect that somebody cut a country song taking football seriously, instead of just using it as an item on a list of things a country boy loves.  But then the chorus comes in with a new intensity.  "And by the way I meant to say that I'm sorry 'bout last night.  I didn't mean to make you cry.  But did you really mean goodbye?"

I mean, where did that come from?  I thought we were just talking about the game!  The chorus ends by him saying that the miracle he's watching (Tennessee beating Alabama) is evidence that he can change.

More football.  More apologies.  The game ends with a Tennessee win, but the girl is still gone.

It's a song of dichotomies.  The game on one side, the relationship on the other.  The courage and intensity of Tennessee beating one of the best college football teams in the country, and the passivity of the man sitting on the couch watching them do it while he pleads with a woman who is driving away from him.  His competing desperation and excitement.

Because Spotify realized that I liked that one, it sent a few more my way, and I listened with varying degrees of interest.  At one point, I realized I just needed to listen to the album.

I can understand why KING isn't pulling in the streams on the same level as Dangerous or American Heartbreak.  It doesn't have any clear big hits.  It has variety and a lot of charm on certain songs, but nothing seems to punch through that minimum level of infectiousness required to win over the populace.  I kind of think that makes it a better fall album though.  Fall is not as loud as summer, or as dreary as winter.  It exists in the in between, and that's where KING tends to settle in.

What else makes it a fall album?  Well, there are a couple clear references.  We've already talked about "20/10 TN"s football theme, but "You Would Think" says "You would think this time of year, when the leaves begin to fall, that you would think of fires and flannel shirts, and I'd be worth a call."  As far as I recall, the album doesn't contain any references to any other seasons.

But there's also a general atmosphere.  It's not an entirely slow or sad album by any means, but the there's a strong tinge of melancholy on many of the songs.  The last song, "I Ain't Without You," clinches it.  It is actually a joyful song, but it's about the effect his brother has had on him, written in the wake of his death.  Fall is all about beauty from death.

I don't need to justify this being a fall album, but I just did.  So that's out of the way, in case it was in anyone's way before.

Another very interesting theme on KING is God.  I've wondered, given the fact that no song on the album seems to supply the title, if King itself is actually referring not to Tucker, but to God.

"Only," by far the darkest sounding song on the album, describes in self-loathing fashion the brokenness of his condition, the ups and downs he goes through without any self-control, the vices and coping mechanisms that he uselessly seeks comfort in.  He says, "I just need to run to the open arms of the only one who knows me," and if you're not listening carefully you'll think he's talking about a woman, but he's not.  He's talking about God.

"Find Me Here" gets in on the self-loathing, and paints a picture of a man lying in a hotel bed after a one night stand, watching a preacher on the TV and hoping that Jesus doesn't come back at that moment.  It uses details like his cross tattoo and the Bible he's using as a coaster for his beer to show the hypocrisy, so we can understand the shame and the fear he's feeling in this moment.  It's interesting to note that this is by far his most listened to song.

On the other side of the spectrum, "Can't Stay Here" is the most fun song.  It's cathartic after so many immature and difficult situations to finally hear him firmly shutting the door on an unhealthy relationship, and it comes with a chorus that's easy to sing along to.  I was very excited to hear this song come over the speakers at a mini golf place earlier this year.

The last song that I want to specifically point out is "Faithful."  There's a modern mindset that we see everywhere that people should follow their hearts.  Indeed, that to not do so is in some way morally objectionable.  It's a cliche at this point, the couple that files for divorce because, "We fell out of love."  People use it as an excuse for adultery all the time, and the effects are devastating.  "Faithful" says, "Let's do what everybody swears is just too hard to. [...] Let's be faithful."

Again.  What a weird concept.  Not, "I'll always love you," or "Marry me," or "You're the only girl I see."  

"Let's be faithful."  Let's make a commitment, and stick to it.  How incredibly cool.

Tucker Beathard is a weird dude.  KING is a weird album.  Go give it a listen.  

Happy fall, y'all.

Living for the Night vs. Living for the Morning

 Sometime in the last few days, I took a departure from my steady diet of alt country and indie Christian music, and pulled up Niall Horan.  It started with "On the Loose" because I had all the windows down and was feeling pretty dang good, and continued from there.  I'm not big into pop, and every time I listen to it the charm wears off quick, so I knew I had to make the most of this time.  I tried to queue up "You and Me," but I guess what I actually added was "On My Own."  And that was a fascinating listen.

I know I've heard it before, but as much of a lyric listener as I am, I had never actually taken note of the words that he sings.  It starts:

Everybody's got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well I don't need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own

And that's it.  That's what the song's about.  There's no big character arc, no moment of realization that he needs people around him.  He gets drunk, kisses girls, gets in fights, and goes to sleep.  It's a dream life.  The song doesn't even mention friends, he seemingly remains socially alone all the time.  Here's the beginning of the chorus:

I'll drink 'til it's empty
Stay out 'til it's late
I'll wake up at midday and marry my bed

Now, I'm not trying to say that this is Niall Horan's actual story.  It took five writers to bring this thing into existence, after all.  And the fact that the character has a shallow and short-sighted viewpoint doesn't mean that it's a bad song either; after all, the best songs don't try to teach us a lesson, they just tell the truth.  I think of "Head Case" by Cody Jinks, where he questions his sanity as he grapples with thoughts of artistry, mortality, and faith in God' (it's a solo write, by the way).  It doesn't give us a solution, it just captures a tortured moment honestly.

And I do find "On My Own" relatable.  Maybe a little too comfortably relatable, and maybe that's what bothers me about it.  I find the message expressed to be one that leads to misery in the long term.  But nothing in the song indicates that it's a bad thing.

So, maybe that's being nit-picky.  Maybe I should just let the song be a song, and not criticize it based on things like that.  After all, didn't I just say the best songs don't try to teach a lesson?

Fine.  What else do I have to say about it?  Well, it's too one-note, content-wise.  Not very dynamic in terms of what it has to say.  So then.

Now let's compare this to a song I heard again today (technically yesterday), when I was listening to Flatland Cavalary's Wandering Star album.  As you can see, I was back on the country, and good thing too.  Otherwise I wouldn't have heard "Mornings With You," Cleto Cordero's duet with his wife, Kaitlin Butts.  Three writers worked on this song, and Kaitlin was not one of them, which makes sense because I actually found it surprisingly impersonal given its nature.  But impersonal or not, it's a solid song about Cleto finding his joy in the simple things in life now, like getting to enjoy coffee with his wife in the morning.  Here's the chorus:

I used to think the good life was burnin' up the night
But runnin' with the devil is a dark and lonely ride
Sometimes it takes an angel to change your point of view
Now I live for mornings with you

Still not a perfect song, but boy does that hit the spot better than "Your company is fine, but I get on better with mine."

One is mature, one is not.  One is self-concerned, one is not.

I don't really have a lesson.  It's just an interesting juxtaposition.  That's all.

On Productivity: A Ramble

 I have always lived in community, intimately and integrally.  Now that I've moved out, I find the hardest part is the lack of that community.

Some would simply adapt, and their world would shrink without too much trouble.  I hope that I do not do this.  I long for another community, to feel the joys and sorrows with, to identify with and support and be supported by.  I long for a family to live life alongside.  Now that I am moved out, I seek not further independence, but an appropriate codependence.

As I was sitting on my bed this morning, letting YouTube shorts suck my soul dry for two hours, I came to ask myself why I was doing this.  I had thought that once I was out and fully responsible for myself, it would make me feel more motivated, not less.  But without my family, it all just feels so empty.  So meaningless.

When I was at home, I cared about my own happiness, but that happiness was connected to the status of the home and family.  Now, my own individual happiness feels pointless.  Shallow.

It draws me back to the catechism question: What is the chief end of man?

The answer: To glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

For as long as I can remember, I have known this catechism question and answer.  I have considered it, but I have considered it mostly theoretically, because I have never seriously had to grapple with what this means on a day by day basis.  It was all laid out for me as a child.  Glorifying God means obeying my parents and loving my siblings and following God's commandments.  That's hard enough, isn't it?

But as a single woman living apart from her family, learning how to glorify God is a new challenge.  It's no longer about not spending all my time watching TV because my parents wouldn't like it, or keeping my room clean to serve my sister, or staying joyful so I don't bring the mood down for the others.  It's just me and God.

---

I began this post on May 31st, and haven't come back to it until now, a month and a half later.  It feels much longer than a month and a half.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Monday (it's Thursday now) and so I sort of temporarily moved back in with my parents so that my mother can care for me in my convalescence.  I've been on several meds, taking either Ibuprofen or Tylenol every four hours, a steroid for swelling several times a day, an antibiotic every 8 hours, a strong mouth rinse twice a day... I've been pretty out of it.

Monday I slept, did some work, watched two movies, cried when the pain got too bad, and generally spent almost the whole day on the sofa, which I don't think was a bad use of my time considering the circumstances.

Tuesday I spent a lot of the day on the sofa, working some, but also watching political commentary on YouTube, and then went to see Sound of Freedom with my parents in the afternoon.  And then I think I just watched more YouTube.  Honestly, I have no recollection of that evening, but I feel like my week has been inundated with YouTube.

Wednesday (yesterday), I watched Sound of Music in the morning, and then went to see a buddy fly an airplane for the first time, got taken to Cookout by my parents for milkshakes, video called Sister #3 in the afternoon and got to talk to her and my nephews, one of whom referred to me by the exact sound he uses to say "banana" and the other of whom just barked at me like a dog, and then some friends came over and we watched High School Musical together.  Phenomenal movie.  Then I stayed up until 2:30AM watching YouTube videos.  Like a chump.

Today I watched some YouTube videos (I know, shocking), and then me and my dad went to my apartment to pick up my bathing suit, I came home, lazed around, made some tapioca pudding, and then something happened.

Maybe it's because I'm largely going without pain meds today for the first time since the surgery, or maybe it's just because I've developed more discipline since moving out and am used to being more active now, but sometime around 3 o'clock, things shifted.

I told my mother, "I'm going for a walk.  I'm not bringing my phone, so just holler if you need me."

"You're not bringing your phone?" she asked in obvious surprise.

"Nope," I said firmly.  "Just holla."

And off I went, down to the pond, and then back up to the shop where my dad was working on a project for Sister #1.  I helped him move a piece of plexiglass, and then told him I was going to continue my walk.  He said, "You know, you could bring the four wheeler on your walk."

Obviously, I scoffed at this and said it wouldn't make for a very good walk.  But when I started to pass the four wheeler, I thought, "Why not?"

I changed out of my little sandals into my thrift store Vans that are literally falling apart because I played soccer in them after my cleats fell apart, and spent a while zooming around.  I went up the driveway and down to the pond, and back in the woods and around again.  It was freeing and invigorating.  

I came inside.  I stretched for forty minutes while listening to Ben Shapiro.

Let me use the next few paragraphs to lay out my theory for you.  

When I was living at home, I was never bored, but I wasn't exactly productive.  I spent my time, but I didn't really redeem my time.  I never quite had the energy or, frankly, the need to.  And as much as I would love to claim that I was self-motivated, the evidence says that I was not.

Living on my own (you know, for the long month and a half), I've had to learn to enjoy doing the things that are productive rather than comfortable.  Cooking, grocery shopping, doing laundry, budgeting, etc.  And now that that part of my brain has been activated, I can't exactly turn it off.  So, I want to be productive...but I've learned what that means when I'm at the War Groover Hermitage (my apartment).  I haven't yet fully learned what that means when I'm living at the Ancestral Hall, especially not when I started this stay as an invalid.

My subconscious answer to this dilemma has been to pour my attention into something that feels important - politics.  That's why I've been consuming all the YouTube commentary.  Because even though it's not actually the most helpful thing I could be doing, it still feels productive because I'm thinking about things that call for action.  Not that I'm actually providing that action.

I don't really know what the takeaway is here.  Yet again, I'm up late at night finishing a blog post that I didn't really think through all the way.

I don't have a neat ending to tie it up.  But I'm tired.  So I'm going to do the productive thing, and go to bed rather than spend more time on this.

The Darkness of the Cave

 There is a wealth of discouragement flooding my mind right now.  I feel...well, I feel too much, and all of the wrong things.

And yet, even as I burn with frustration and disappointment, I am conscious that it could be much worse.  That even though I feel overwhelmed and broken and a bit hopeless, I am not, in a true sense of the word, depressed.  The light does feel as if it has been choked out, but I know it is still there, just behind the branches and the thorns.  I know that in the morning, the wind may shift and blow those obstructions to the side, and I will soak the sunlight up again.

And so, I have only to survive tonight.

When I was in my LACE year of camp, the hardest year, meant to test me and prepare me for staff should I return, I had to crawl through a winding section of cave that was maybe two feet high and three feet wide.  Being far down in the cave, the only light was from our headlamps.  I don't know how long we had to crawl, but it seemed nearly unbearable at first.  

My claustrophobia rises if my socks are too tight, and this was a deal more constricting.  If I at some point got hit with a panic attack, I would need to crawl backwards as far as I had come forwards before getting to a place where I could stand up, and it was still quite a long way to the surface.  But ye olde human resiliency revealed itself (thank you, Lord!), and I found that I was capable of more than I had thought.  As I army-crawled through that small space, going first left around a corner, then right, then back again, like I was crawling through a giant snake, I told myself that just around the corner was a big room.  I knew that this was most likely not the case, but I had to trick that raw, instinctual part of my brain into not fighting and not fleeing.  So every turn, I said to myself, "It's okay, there's a big room right around the bend."  And when there wasn't, I just said, "Oh right, it's around the NEXT bend."  It worked.

I could say that's a good metaphor for where I am right now in life, but it's not.  The truth is, right now I'm crawling slower because I don't know what's around the bend.  A big part of me wants to just go back up to the top, even though I know I'm supposed to keep going forward.

But tonight.  Let's talk about tonight.

I was struck with a giant wave of insecurities this evening, right around snacktime.  I did not have a snack at snack time.  Perhaps if I had, I would have carried on quite at ease.

But alas, three o'clock passed, and with it my peace of mind.  I felt rather productive at first, because I was getting some good baking done.  I made cranberry coffee cake AND Fragilite (I can't figure out how to put an accent over the "e", so just imagine it).  But then I tried to watch Hamilton, and it was buffering about every ten seconds, and it basically wrecked the feeling of productivity I had tentatively captured.

It is humbling to think not only about just how frustrated this experience made me, but also how easy it is to normalize it.  Entertainment is such a seductive, addictive thing, and it has strong effects on the mind.  I use entertainment to escape.  That's something that I realized through therapy.  It doesn't do a whole lot for my feelings, but it's a wonder for shutting the door on pesky thoughts.  And I'm so used to using it in this way that it's often the first place my mind goes when I'm stressed about something.  I don't even think about it, I just grab my phone and go to YouTube.  Take a mental sedative.

It used to be that when I finally came out of my stupor, I felt quite ashamed, but also oblivious as to why.  In my mind, I was too tired and stressed to actually do anything useful, so why not enjoy something?  I had tricked myself rather effectively.

When I got back from my recent Europe trip, I was shocked by how many things I found myself wanting to do, and able to do.  I realized how sick it made me feel to bury my stress in my phone, and how much I wanted to be involved in the physical things around me.  I realized that I really did want to be responsible with how I used my time, and that I'm much less miserable when I am responsible.

The question was - would I allow my feelings about work to drive me away from the progress I'd made?  And unfortunately today, the answer was yes.

I don't believe this was a complete relapse.  At some point, I realized that I was wasting time waiting for Hamilton to load, and I just needed to try again later.  I was actually able to turn it off and do something else.  But I still had that awful self-loathing, and it began to pick on insecurities that I had been doing a pretty decent job holding off.

My weight for instance.  I'm short and squat in my opinion, and my weight has definitely begun to grow more within the last year.

Another lesson from camp: one of the questions in our private devotional time that we were supposed to work through was, "Can I stand in front of a full-length mirror in just a bathing suit and say, 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made.'?"  I struggled with that question then, and there has never been a time since when I have had a satisfactory answer.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but it somehow doesn't sound very convincing when I look at myself without any clothes to hide behind.

Additionally, since I came back from Europe, my checking account has been pretty dry.  Now, I haven't been paid since returning, and there were many expenses on this trip, so this is to be expected.  But I hate the feeling of not having a safety net (although I really do have a financial safety net still), and it makes me feel like I've done something terribly wrong.  It even has me questioning whether I should have gone to Europe in the first place.  And I definitely should have.

Here's the really important part though.

Sure, I could be more frugal financially.  Sure, I could eat smaller portions and healthier food and exercise more.  Sure, I could get more sleep and treat my friends better and spend less time on my phone.  And these are all things I should do even.  But when I fail at them, I cannot allow myself to think that defines me.  I am not earning my way to heaven.  I am not bribing God to love me.  I am not trying to prove I'm worthy of being his child.

I've already failed.  Horribly, too.  I fail every day.  Yet God never looks at me and says, "She's three pounds heavier than last Tuesday, and she just had a bowl of ice cream instead of going on a walk.  She's hopeless."

I am just as precious in God's eyes as I would be I was a perfectly fit neurosurgeon.  I dishonor him by seeing my worth in those things instead of in Christ.

There's plenty more I could say, but it's late and I'm tired.  The Lord is with me.  He has made me and keeps me even now.  Bad days are just that - bad days.  The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places.

The End of the Day

 It’s 3:12 AM.  My hammock is hanging next to our creek, and I can hear the steady, splashing sound of the waterfall.  I can see the light in the cabin where the boys are going to bed and hear their voices, but not make out what they’re saying.  The light flicks off, but they continue to talk quietly.

The peep frogs peep in the pond.  Crickets chirp.  The moon is just strong enough for me to see the outline of the trees above me against the paler night sky, but not much else.

There have been at least two interpersonal conflicts tonight.  There was an interesting visit to Waffle House, and even now, there’s a Jeep stuck deep in a ravine up by the power lines, that no amount of elbow grease from our weird little crew could compel to budge.  Quite a lot has happened since my mom said “Don’t do anything stupid,” and went to bed.

But on Wednesday one of us is moving, and we probably won’t see him for a long time, so now is the time to be cramming eight people into a vehicle made for five, and plowing through overgrown clear cut on street tires, and standing out by the hammocks talking about I don’t even remember until stupid times.

With “goodnight” still in my ears from the ones in the other hammocks and the ones in the cabin, I remember hearing Taps played years ago at camp, and the words we sang as we went to sleep, knowing that the next day would be another one packed with activity and full of memories.

Day is done, gone the sun;

From the lake, from the hill, from the sky.

All is well, safely rest;

God is nigh.

Emotions, Community, and Obedience

I was in the middle of writing a Music for the Masses post, but some things came to my attention and forced me to change course.  Where to start?

Tonight I drove from the off-site office where I was finishing up work to the store to drop off some pants for a new team member.  I grinned at everyone and said hi, and came inside, and grinned at everyone and said hi, and generally was an enjoyable person to interact with.  Nick came up.  We said hello, I rather cheerfully, he rather dubiously.  "You've been weird lately," he said.

"Oh, how?" I asked.

"Like...happy," he said, or something to that effect.

And my heart sank, because I knew exactly what he meant, and I had just about fooled myself into not thinking about it.

Let's talk about Community.  I've been watching a lot of Community lately, because it's good and because I'm a binger.  I feel a bit like Abed, but I'm afraid that might be very mainstream of me.  Everyone probably thinks they're Abed.  In reality, I worry that I might also have some Britta in me; the awkward selfishness that worries more about what image it's presenting than about other people.  But back to Abed.  I relate to two particular traits of his.

First, he doesn't really understand other people's emotions.  He doesn't get social cues.  People have to tell him what they're actually thinking and feeling, because he won't just pick up on it otherwise.  I'm like that, and sometimes people make me nervous because they seem so unpredictable and impenetrable.

Second, his perception of reality warps based on his own emotions.  [Spoilers ahead]  When Christmas brings up memories of his mom leaving, he sees things in Claymation.  When Troy is leaving, he sees the floor as lava.  He can't process reality, so he avoids it.  He changes how it looks in his head.  I don't take it quite to that level, but sometimes I do change how I perceive reality so that I can put off handling harder emotions.

I hate unpredictable emotions.  They make me feel undependable.  Out of control.  Sometimes it seems worth it just to put on an act so at least I get some facsimile of consistency.  And because I'm so lost in my own head and I feel inscrutable to myself, I assume I'm also inscrutable to others.  But I guess Nick noticed.

I've been pushing negative feelings down with books and shows and friends, because I don't feel like I have time to process them, and I don't want to just feel them.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want to fake being happy, but I hate it when I act like myself and people think something is wrong.

I am tired of feeling happy some days, and sad other days.  I want to get to a point where I've just leveled out and I'm content.  But that probably won't come.

I'm scared, because I know there's been some depression in my family, and I don't want to spend years of my adult life going through that.

I'm stressed because I don't want to do what I'm doing for work right now for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know if there's any job that I wouldn't eventually feel trapped in.

On a smaller note, I'm scared because I feel like my hearing is worse than it used to be, but I'm not sure how to actually measure it, so I don't even know.  And I'm twenty, so if it's going now, that's really not good, and it's almost certainly my fault for blaring my music at extraordinary volumes.

There are days (most days) when I wish that someone would just put their arm around my shoulders and let me cry for a little bit.  But I don't have a person that I really want to do that with, and it seems like a waste of time to cry by myself, so I put that off until a later date.

I can take pressure, and I can take pain.  I know I can, because I've been doing it for years.  But I also know that historically I don't notice when I'm starting to stretch close to my breaking point, and there is a breaking point.  It just comes and snaps me out of nowhere, and then I spend two months sitting on my back porch feeling nothing and talking to no one.

I'm certainly not unique.  Everyone goes through things like this, and many hurt worse.  I don't think it would be false to say that every single adult has felt worse than I'm feeling now at some point in their life.  That doesn't mean I want to keep feeling this way.

Truth is, I am tired of being happy.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired of putting effort into smiling at my friends because I know I'll seem unkind if I don't.  I'm tired of breaking up my alone time because other people want to spend time with me.  And I'm tired of being tired of it, because I know I'm being selfish.

I don't know how to get the rest I need (want?) and to also love others.  But I know that even when I don't feel like it, I have to put others before myself.  I know that to love my friends, and my enemies, is to love Christ.  And I know that love is only partly an emotion, and is primarily choice in action.

So until I reach my breaking point or God shows me how to balance these two things, I will keep making the choice to be kind to others and put their needs before my own.

But it might be worth looking into redefining kindness.  Do I have to smile and joke around?  Is that kind?  Or is that my way of avoiding actually engaging on a deeper level, because I don't trust people anymore?

Well, there's a whole can of worms.

What does it mean to engage with others in a Godly way?  Here's what I know: it has to start with the heart attitude.  I can talk as nice as I want, but if I'm thinking badly of others, I am not actually obeying God's command to love my neighbor.  Another thing I know: God did not create me to be exactly like anyone else, but I am called to be like Christ.  I can't measure my kindness by putting my words up next to someone else's and seeing how they compare.  But my attitude should be the same as Jesus'.  Yet another thing: this whole struggle is a part of my Christian walk.  God didn't promise me that walk would be easy, but he did promise to never leave me or forsake me.  His Word describes him as my strength, my fortress.  He is my Shepherd, and my Father.  I may struggle with this for the rest of my life, but I will never struggle alone.

Welp.  I don't want to spend my whole life putting a mask on for everyone else and then settling back down with a sigh of relief when I'm alone, which is what it feels like I've been doing lately.  And I don't want to be dishonest about who I am with those around me.  I do know that on one important level, I am what I do, so the fact that I can act a certain way means there is some truth in that.  But there's another level on which it's clear that if I'm exhausted and people are saying I'm not acting like me, there may be a gap between appearances and substance.

I think that as a Christian I shouldn't give free rein to negative emotions, by which I mean negative in a theological sense.  Not like sadness, which can be perfectly appropriate though unpleasant to feel at times, but things like envy, or anger in almost every situation.  But I do need to recognize that if I'm feeling those things, they're coming from somewhere.  Sins so often travel in packs, and emotions spring from thoughts and mindsets.  It's good to do some self-examination and be vulnerable.  Not only because the truth is important, and knowing it can help me get to the bottom of what's causing these things, but also because there's great value and comfort in being able to come to God with these things and confess and be held.

Anyhow, even if I don't come to any conclusions about anything, even if nothing is fixed, it's at least good and healthy to process some of the unpleasant emotions that I've been pushing under.  So praise God for that.  And thank God for Nick.

Emotions are good and natural, even though they are corrupted by the fall like everything else in this life.  It's good to feel them, and it's wrong for me to try to control them so tightly.  But it's also wrong to dwell on them for too long and with too much emphasis.  At the end of the day, I am not to follow my emotions.  I'm to follow God, and even when I can't trust myself I can trust his Word.

Now, I present to you a collection of memes that relate to our topic this evening.

[I gave up after getting tired of looking at all the dramatic, self-obsessed memes that people put out there and thought this was funnier, even though it in no way relates to the topic this evening.]