Fall Album: KING by Tucker Beathard

 Well, it's my first post of the year, and it's already fall.  I'm sitting outside in what basically amounts to perfect weather; cool enough for a light jacket, but not cold, and a little breeze every once in a while.

I don't have a favorite season (no season is consistent in North Carolina anyway), but I love when summer turns to fall.  I love being able to ride with the windows down without sweating through everything I'm wearing, having more options as far as comfortable clothing goes, seeing the leaves turn warm colors, and being able to spend time outside going on walks, or sitting or talking with friends, or just watching the birds wheeling around against giant blue skies.

I also love being able to break into my fall playlists.  It's not that I can't or don't listen to them at any other time of year, but they never hit as right in July as they do in October.  I listen to individual songs that seem to suit the weather and the mood of fall, but what I really treasure is when I can find a whole album that fits the season.  I have a couple, but for me the dark horse that I've been able to come back to over and over again is KING by Tucker Beathard.

I say dark horse because I have never heard anyone in my circles talk about Tucker Beathard.  I typically listen to the independent guys, the Texans, the Appalachians, the ones who don't have a label and don't need one, because their fans are absolutely crazy about them.  Cody Jinks, Charles Wesley Godwin, Sturgill Simpson, etc.  I read Saving Country Music, and I watch Grady Smith videos on YouTube.  I haven't intentionally listened to the radio in probably a year and a half.

Tucker Beathard is a Nashville boy, born to industry songwriter Casey Beathard.  He was signed to a label when he was 20 years old, and those who would call it nepotism are probably partially right.  Tucker's never really seemed to take off.  He has 74.7k monthly listeners on Spotify.  If you compare that to Kody West, who unlike Tucker doesn't even have a Wikipedia page, it shows how bleak that number is.  Kody has over 388k monthly listeners, and only tours inside Texas.

On the surface, it looks like Tucker Beathard was set up to succeed, and wasn't good enough to.

"20/10 TN" came up on one of my Spotify daily mixes before I had premium, and I don't think I gave it too much thought initially.  This is pretty normal for me, sometimes it takes me a couple listens to really let a song sink in.  It turned up a couple more times, because Spotify didn't really know what to do with my tastes.  And at one point, it caught my attention in a big way.  It was not a normal song.

Music-wise, it was pretty standard.  Mainly guitar and drum, a good melody but nothing crazy.  The lyrics, though, start with "Hey, it's me, I'm just wondering where you are?  I woke up late, I think the game's about to start."  And then we get a second phone call, and he talks about what's happening in the game.

I mean, that's weird enough.  It could be a song just about football, something like "Boys of Fall" but focusing even more on the actual game itself, and I would respect that somebody cut a country song taking football seriously, instead of just using it as an item on a list of things a country boy loves.  But then the chorus comes in with a new intensity.  "And by the way I meant to say that I'm sorry 'bout last night.  I didn't mean to make you cry.  But did you really mean goodbye?"

I mean, where did that come from?  I thought we were just talking about the game!  The chorus ends by him saying that the miracle he's watching (Tennessee beating Alabama) is evidence that he can change.

More football.  More apologies.  The game ends with a Tennessee win, but the girl is still gone.

It's a song of dichotomies.  The game on one side, the relationship on the other.  The courage and intensity of Tennessee beating one of the best college football teams in the country, and the passivity of the man sitting on the couch watching them do it while he pleads with a woman who is driving away from him.  His competing desperation and excitement.

Because Spotify realized that I liked that one, it sent a few more my way, and I listened with varying degrees of interest.  At one point, I realized I just needed to listen to the album.

I can understand why KING isn't pulling in the streams on the same level as Dangerous or American Heartbreak.  It doesn't have any clear big hits.  It has variety and a lot of charm on certain songs, but nothing seems to punch through that minimum level of infectiousness required to win over the populace.  I kind of think that makes it a better fall album though.  Fall is not as loud as summer, or as dreary as winter.  It exists in the in between, and that's where KING tends to settle in.

What else makes it a fall album?  Well, there are a couple clear references.  We've already talked about "20/10 TN"s football theme, but "You Would Think" says "You would think this time of year, when the leaves begin to fall, that you would think of fires and flannel shirts, and I'd be worth a call."  As far as I recall, the album doesn't contain any references to any other seasons.

But there's also a general atmosphere.  It's not an entirely slow or sad album by any means, but the there's a strong tinge of melancholy on many of the songs.  The last song, "I Ain't Without You," clinches it.  It is actually a joyful song, but it's about the effect his brother has had on him, written in the wake of his death.  Fall is all about beauty from death.

I don't need to justify this being a fall album, but I just did.  So that's out of the way, in case it was in anyone's way before.

Another very interesting theme on KING is God.  I've wondered, given the fact that no song on the album seems to supply the title, if King itself is actually referring not to Tucker, but to God.

"Only," by far the darkest sounding song on the album, describes in self-loathing fashion the brokenness of his condition, the ups and downs he goes through without any self-control, the vices and coping mechanisms that he uselessly seeks comfort in.  He says, "I just need to run to the open arms of the only one who knows me," and if you're not listening carefully you'll think he's talking about a woman, but he's not.  He's talking about God.

"Find Me Here" gets in on the self-loathing, and paints a picture of a man lying in a hotel bed after a one night stand, watching a preacher on the TV and hoping that Jesus doesn't come back at that moment.  It uses details like his cross tattoo and the Bible he's using as a coaster for his beer to show the hypocrisy, so we can understand the shame and the fear he's feeling in this moment.  It's interesting to note that this is by far his most listened to song.

On the other side of the spectrum, "Can't Stay Here" is the most fun song.  It's cathartic after so many immature and difficult situations to finally hear him firmly shutting the door on an unhealthy relationship, and it comes with a chorus that's easy to sing along to.  I was very excited to hear this song come over the speakers at a mini golf place earlier this year.

The last song that I want to specifically point out is "Faithful."  There's a modern mindset that we see everywhere that people should follow their hearts.  Indeed, that to not do so is in some way morally objectionable.  It's a cliche at this point, the couple that files for divorce because, "We fell out of love."  People use it as an excuse for adultery all the time, and the effects are devastating.  "Faithful" says, "Let's do what everybody swears is just too hard to. [...] Let's be faithful."

Again.  What a weird concept.  Not, "I'll always love you," or "Marry me," or "You're the only girl I see."  

"Let's be faithful."  Let's make a commitment, and stick to it.  How incredibly cool.

Tucker Beathard is a weird dude.  KING is a weird album.  Go give it a listen.  

Happy fall, y'all.

Living for the Night vs. Living for the Morning

 Sometime in the last few days, I took a departure from my steady diet of alt country and indie Christian music, and pulled up Niall Horan.  It started with "On the Loose" because I had all the windows down and was feeling pretty dang good, and continued from there.  I'm not big into pop, and every time I listen to it the charm wears off quick, so I knew I had to make the most of this time.  I tried to queue up "You and Me," but I guess what I actually added was "On My Own."  And that was a fascinating listen.

I know I've heard it before, but as much of a lyric listener as I am, I had never actually taken note of the words that he sings.  It starts:

Everybody's got somebody
I just wanna be alone
Well I don't need no one
Have too much fun
Out here on my own

And that's it.  That's what the song's about.  There's no big character arc, no moment of realization that he needs people around him.  He gets drunk, kisses girls, gets in fights, and goes to sleep.  It's a dream life.  The song doesn't even mention friends, he seemingly remains socially alone all the time.  Here's the beginning of the chorus:

I'll drink 'til it's empty
Stay out 'til it's late
I'll wake up at midday and marry my bed

Now, I'm not trying to say that this is Niall Horan's actual story.  It took five writers to bring this thing into existence, after all.  And the fact that the character has a shallow and short-sighted viewpoint doesn't mean that it's a bad song either; after all, the best songs don't try to teach us a lesson, they just tell the truth.  I think of "Head Case" by Cody Jinks, where he questions his sanity as he grapples with thoughts of artistry, mortality, and faith in God' (it's a solo write, by the way).  It doesn't give us a solution, it just captures a tortured moment honestly.

And I do find "On My Own" relatable.  Maybe a little too comfortably relatable, and maybe that's what bothers me about it.  I find the message expressed to be one that leads to misery in the long term.  But nothing in the song indicates that it's a bad thing.

So, maybe that's being nit-picky.  Maybe I should just let the song be a song, and not criticize it based on things like that.  After all, didn't I just say the best songs don't try to teach a lesson?

Fine.  What else do I have to say about it?  Well, it's too one-note, content-wise.  Not very dynamic in terms of what it has to say.  So then.

Now let's compare this to a song I heard again today (technically yesterday), when I was listening to Flatland Cavalary's Wandering Star album.  As you can see, I was back on the country, and good thing too.  Otherwise I wouldn't have heard "Mornings With You," Cleto Cordero's duet with his wife, Kaitlin Butts.  Three writers worked on this song, and Kaitlin was not one of them, which makes sense because I actually found it surprisingly impersonal given its nature.  But impersonal or not, it's a solid song about Cleto finding his joy in the simple things in life now, like getting to enjoy coffee with his wife in the morning.  Here's the chorus:

I used to think the good life was burnin' up the night
But runnin' with the devil is a dark and lonely ride
Sometimes it takes an angel to change your point of view
Now I live for mornings with you

Still not a perfect song, but boy does that hit the spot better than "Your company is fine, but I get on better with mine."

One is mature, one is not.  One is self-concerned, one is not.

I don't really have a lesson.  It's just an interesting juxtaposition.  That's all.

On Productivity: A Ramble

 I have always lived in community, intimately and integrally.  Now that I've moved out, I find the hardest part is the lack of that community.

Some would simply adapt, and their world would shrink without too much trouble.  I hope that I do not do this.  I long for another community, to feel the joys and sorrows with, to identify with and support and be supported by.  I long for a family to live life alongside.  Now that I am moved out, I seek not further independence, but an appropriate codependence.

As I was sitting on my bed this morning, letting YouTube shorts suck my soul dry for two hours, I came to ask myself why I was doing this.  I had thought that once I was out and fully responsible for myself, it would make me feel more motivated, not less.  But without my family, it all just feels so empty.  So meaningless.

When I was at home, I cared about my own happiness, but that happiness was connected to the status of the home and family.  Now, my own individual happiness feels pointless.  Shallow.

It draws me back to the catechism question: What is the chief end of man?

The answer: To glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

For as long as I can remember, I have known this catechism question and answer.  I have considered it, but I have considered it mostly theoretically, because I have never seriously had to grapple with what this means on a day by day basis.  It was all laid out for me as a child.  Glorifying God means obeying my parents and loving my siblings and following God's commandments.  That's hard enough, isn't it?

But as a single woman living apart from her family, learning how to glorify God is a new challenge.  It's no longer about not spending all my time watching TV because my parents wouldn't like it, or keeping my room clean to serve my sister, or staying joyful so I don't bring the mood down for the others.  It's just me and God.

---

I began this post on May 31st, and haven't come back to it until now, a month and a half later.  It feels much longer than a month and a half.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Monday (it's Thursday now) and so I sort of temporarily moved back in with my parents so that my mother can care for me in my convalescence.  I've been on several meds, taking either Ibuprofen or Tylenol every four hours, a steroid for swelling several times a day, an antibiotic every 8 hours, a strong mouth rinse twice a day... I've been pretty out of it.

Monday I slept, did some work, watched two movies, cried when the pain got too bad, and generally spent almost the whole day on the sofa, which I don't think was a bad use of my time considering the circumstances.

Tuesday I spent a lot of the day on the sofa, working some, but also watching political commentary on YouTube, and then went to see Sound of Freedom with my parents in the afternoon.  And then I think I just watched more YouTube.  Honestly, I have no recollection of that evening, but I feel like my week has been inundated with YouTube.

Wednesday (yesterday), I watched Sound of Music in the morning, and then went to see a buddy fly an airplane for the first time, got taken to Cookout by my parents for milkshakes, video called Sister #3 in the afternoon and got to talk to her and my nephews, one of whom referred to me by the exact sound he uses to say "banana" and the other of whom just barked at me like a dog, and then some friends came over and we watched High School Musical together.  Phenomenal movie.  Then I stayed up until 2:30AM watching YouTube videos.  Like a chump.

Today I watched some YouTube videos (I know, shocking), and then me and my dad went to my apartment to pick up my bathing suit, I came home, lazed around, made some tapioca pudding, and then something happened.

Maybe it's because I'm largely going without pain meds today for the first time since the surgery, or maybe it's just because I've developed more discipline since moving out and am used to being more active now, but sometime around 3 o'clock, things shifted.

I told my mother, "I'm going for a walk.  I'm not bringing my phone, so just holler if you need me."

"You're not bringing your phone?" she asked in obvious surprise.

"Nope," I said firmly.  "Just holla."

And off I went, down to the pond, and then back up to the shop where my dad was working on a project for Sister #1.  I helped him move a piece of plexiglass, and then told him I was going to continue my walk.  He said, "You know, you could bring the four wheeler on your walk."

Obviously, I scoffed at this and said it wouldn't make for a very good walk.  But when I started to pass the four wheeler, I thought, "Why not?"

I changed out of my little sandals into my thrift store Vans that are literally falling apart because I played soccer in them after my cleats fell apart, and spent a while zooming around.  I went up the driveway and down to the pond, and back in the woods and around again.  It was freeing and invigorating.  

I came inside.  I stretched for forty minutes while listening to Ben Shapiro.

Let me use the next few paragraphs to lay out my theory for you.  

When I was living at home, I was never bored, but I wasn't exactly productive.  I spent my time, but I didn't really redeem my time.  I never quite had the energy or, frankly, the need to.  And as much as I would love to claim that I was self-motivated, the evidence says that I was not.

Living on my own (you know, for the long month and a half), I've had to learn to enjoy doing the things that are productive rather than comfortable.  Cooking, grocery shopping, doing laundry, budgeting, etc.  And now that that part of my brain has been activated, I can't exactly turn it off.  So, I want to be productive...but I've learned what that means when I'm at the War Groover Hermitage (my apartment).  I haven't yet fully learned what that means when I'm living at the Ancestral Hall, especially not when I started this stay as an invalid.

My subconscious answer to this dilemma has been to pour my attention into something that feels important - politics.  That's why I've been consuming all the YouTube commentary.  Because even though it's not actually the most helpful thing I could be doing, it still feels productive because I'm thinking about things that call for action.  Not that I'm actually providing that action.

I don't really know what the takeaway is here.  Yet again, I'm up late at night finishing a blog post that I didn't really think through all the way.

I don't have a neat ending to tie it up.  But I'm tired.  So I'm going to do the productive thing, and go to bed rather than spend more time on this.

The Darkness of the Cave

 There is a wealth of discouragement flooding my mind right now.  I feel...well, I feel too much, and all of the wrong things.

And yet, even as I burn with frustration and disappointment, I am conscious that it could be much worse.  That even though I feel overwhelmed and broken and a bit hopeless, I am not, in a true sense of the word, depressed.  The light does feel as if it has been choked out, but I know it is still there, just behind the branches and the thorns.  I know that in the morning, the wind may shift and blow those obstructions to the side, and I will soak the sunlight up again.

And so, I have only to survive tonight.

When I was in my LACE year of camp, the hardest year, meant to test me and prepare me for staff should I return, I had to crawl through a winding section of cave that was maybe two feet high and three feet wide.  Being far down in the cave, the only light was from our headlamps.  I don't know how long we had to crawl, but it seemed nearly unbearable at first.  

My claustrophobia rises if my socks are too tight, and this was a deal more constricting.  If I at some point got hit with a panic attack, I would need to crawl backwards as far as I had come forwards before getting to a place where I could stand up, and it was still quite a long way to the surface.  But ye olde human resiliency revealed itself (thank you, Lord!), and I found that I was capable of more than I had thought.  As I army-crawled through that small space, going first left around a corner, then right, then back again, like I was crawling through a giant snake, I told myself that just around the corner was a big room.  I knew that this was most likely not the case, but I had to trick that raw, instinctual part of my brain into not fighting and not fleeing.  So every turn, I said to myself, "It's okay, there's a big room right around the bend."  And when there wasn't, I just said, "Oh right, it's around the NEXT bend."  It worked.

I could say that's a good metaphor for where I am right now in life, but it's not.  The truth is, right now I'm crawling slower because I don't know what's around the bend.  A big part of me wants to just go back up to the top, even though I know I'm supposed to keep going forward.

But tonight.  Let's talk about tonight.

I was struck with a giant wave of insecurities this evening, right around snacktime.  I did not have a snack at snack time.  Perhaps if I had, I would have carried on quite at ease.

But alas, three o'clock passed, and with it my peace of mind.  I felt rather productive at first, because I was getting some good baking done.  I made cranberry coffee cake AND Fragilite (I can't figure out how to put an accent over the "e", so just imagine it).  But then I tried to watch Hamilton, and it was buffering about every ten seconds, and it basically wrecked the feeling of productivity I had tentatively captured.

It is humbling to think not only about just how frustrated this experience made me, but also how easy it is to normalize it.  Entertainment is such a seductive, addictive thing, and it has strong effects on the mind.  I use entertainment to escape.  That's something that I realized through therapy.  It doesn't do a whole lot for my feelings, but it's a wonder for shutting the door on pesky thoughts.  And I'm so used to using it in this way that it's often the first place my mind goes when I'm stressed about something.  I don't even think about it, I just grab my phone and go to YouTube.  Take a mental sedative.

It used to be that when I finally came out of my stupor, I felt quite ashamed, but also oblivious as to why.  In my mind, I was too tired and stressed to actually do anything useful, so why not enjoy something?  I had tricked myself rather effectively.

When I got back from my recent Europe trip, I was shocked by how many things I found myself wanting to do, and able to do.  I realized how sick it made me feel to bury my stress in my phone, and how much I wanted to be involved in the physical things around me.  I realized that I really did want to be responsible with how I used my time, and that I'm much less miserable when I am responsible.

The question was - would I allow my feelings about work to drive me away from the progress I'd made?  And unfortunately today, the answer was yes.

I don't believe this was a complete relapse.  At some point, I realized that I was wasting time waiting for Hamilton to load, and I just needed to try again later.  I was actually able to turn it off and do something else.  But I still had that awful self-loathing, and it began to pick on insecurities that I had been doing a pretty decent job holding off.

My weight for instance.  I'm short and squat in my opinion, and my weight has definitely begun to grow more within the last year.

Another lesson from camp: one of the questions in our private devotional time that we were supposed to work through was, "Can I stand in front of a full-length mirror in just a bathing suit and say, 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made.'?"  I struggled with that question then, and there has never been a time since when I have had a satisfactory answer.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but it somehow doesn't sound very convincing when I look at myself without any clothes to hide behind.

Additionally, since I came back from Europe, my checking account has been pretty dry.  Now, I haven't been paid since returning, and there were many expenses on this trip, so this is to be expected.  But I hate the feeling of not having a safety net (although I really do have a financial safety net still), and it makes me feel like I've done something terribly wrong.  It even has me questioning whether I should have gone to Europe in the first place.  And I definitely should have.

Here's the really important part though.

Sure, I could be more frugal financially.  Sure, I could eat smaller portions and healthier food and exercise more.  Sure, I could get more sleep and treat my friends better and spend less time on my phone.  And these are all things I should do even.  But when I fail at them, I cannot allow myself to think that defines me.  I am not earning my way to heaven.  I am not bribing God to love me.  I am not trying to prove I'm worthy of being his child.

I've already failed.  Horribly, too.  I fail every day.  Yet God never looks at me and says, "She's three pounds heavier than last Tuesday, and she just had a bowl of ice cream instead of going on a walk.  She's hopeless."

I am just as precious in God's eyes as I would be I was a perfectly fit neurosurgeon.  I dishonor him by seeing my worth in those things instead of in Christ.

There's plenty more I could say, but it's late and I'm tired.  The Lord is with me.  He has made me and keeps me even now.  Bad days are just that - bad days.  The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places.

The End of the Day

 It’s 3:12 AM.  My hammock is hanging next to our creek, and I can hear the steady, splashing sound of the waterfall.  I can see the light in the cabin where the boys are going to bed and hear their voices, but not make out what they’re saying.  The light flicks off, but they continue to talk quietly.

The peep frogs peep in the pond.  Crickets chirp.  The moon is just strong enough for me to see the outline of the trees above me against the paler night sky, but not much else.

There have been at least two interpersonal conflicts tonight.  There was an interesting visit to Waffle House, and even now, there’s a Jeep stuck deep in a ravine up by the power lines, that no amount of elbow grease from our weird little crew could compel to budge.  Quite a lot has happened since my mom said “Don’t do anything stupid,” and went to bed.

But on Wednesday one of us is moving, and we probably won’t see him for a long time, so now is the time to be cramming eight people into a vehicle made for five, and plowing through overgrown clear cut on street tires, and standing out by the hammocks talking about I don’t even remember until stupid times.

With “goodnight” still in my ears from the ones in the other hammocks and the ones in the cabin, I remember hearing Taps played years ago at camp, and the words we sang as we went to sleep, knowing that the next day would be another one packed with activity and full of memories.

Day is done, gone the sun;

From the lake, from the hill, from the sky.

All is well, safely rest;

God is nigh.

Emotions, Community, and Obedience

I was in the middle of writing a Music for the Masses post, but some things came to my attention and forced me to change course.  Where to start?

Tonight I drove from the off-site office where I was finishing up work to the store to drop off some pants for a new team member.  I grinned at everyone and said hi, and came inside, and grinned at everyone and said hi, and generally was an enjoyable person to interact with.  Nick came up.  We said hello, I rather cheerfully, he rather dubiously.  "You've been weird lately," he said.

"Oh, how?" I asked.

"Like...happy," he said, or something to that effect.

And my heart sank, because I knew exactly what he meant, and I had just about fooled myself into not thinking about it.

Let's talk about Community.  I've been watching a lot of Community lately, because it's good and because I'm a binger.  I feel a bit like Abed, but I'm afraid that might be very mainstream of me.  Everyone probably thinks they're Abed.  In reality, I worry that I might also have some Britta in me; the awkward selfishness that worries more about what image it's presenting than about other people.  But back to Abed.  I relate to two particular traits of his.

First, he doesn't really understand other people's emotions.  He doesn't get social cues.  People have to tell him what they're actually thinking and feeling, because he won't just pick up on it otherwise.  I'm like that, and sometimes people make me nervous because they seem so unpredictable and impenetrable.

Second, his perception of reality warps based on his own emotions.  [Spoilers ahead]  When Christmas brings up memories of his mom leaving, he sees things in Claymation.  When Troy is leaving, he sees the floor as lava.  He can't process reality, so he avoids it.  He changes how it looks in his head.  I don't take it quite to that level, but sometimes I do change how I perceive reality so that I can put off handling harder emotions.

I hate unpredictable emotions.  They make me feel undependable.  Out of control.  Sometimes it seems worth it just to put on an act so at least I get some facsimile of consistency.  And because I'm so lost in my own head and I feel inscrutable to myself, I assume I'm also inscrutable to others.  But I guess Nick noticed.

I've been pushing negative feelings down with books and shows and friends, because I don't feel like I have time to process them, and I don't want to just feel them.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want to fake being happy, but I hate it when I act like myself and people think something is wrong.

I am tired of feeling happy some days, and sad other days.  I want to get to a point where I've just leveled out and I'm content.  But that probably won't come.

I'm scared, because I know there's been some depression in my family, and I don't want to spend years of my adult life going through that.

I'm stressed because I don't want to do what I'm doing for work right now for the rest of my life, but honestly I don't know if there's any job that I wouldn't eventually feel trapped in.

On a smaller note, I'm scared because I feel like my hearing is worse than it used to be, but I'm not sure how to actually measure it, so I don't even know.  And I'm twenty, so if it's going now, that's really not good, and it's almost certainly my fault for blaring my music at extraordinary volumes.

There are days (most days) when I wish that someone would just put their arm around my shoulders and let me cry for a little bit.  But I don't have a person that I really want to do that with, and it seems like a waste of time to cry by myself, so I put that off until a later date.

I can take pressure, and I can take pain.  I know I can, because I've been doing it for years.  But I also know that historically I don't notice when I'm starting to stretch close to my breaking point, and there is a breaking point.  It just comes and snaps me out of nowhere, and then I spend two months sitting on my back porch feeling nothing and talking to no one.

I'm certainly not unique.  Everyone goes through things like this, and many hurt worse.  I don't think it would be false to say that every single adult has felt worse than I'm feeling now at some point in their life.  That doesn't mean I want to keep feeling this way.

Truth is, I am tired of being happy.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am tired of putting effort into smiling at my friends because I know I'll seem unkind if I don't.  I'm tired of breaking up my alone time because other people want to spend time with me.  And I'm tired of being tired of it, because I know I'm being selfish.

I don't know how to get the rest I need (want?) and to also love others.  But I know that even when I don't feel like it, I have to put others before myself.  I know that to love my friends, and my enemies, is to love Christ.  And I know that love is only partly an emotion, and is primarily choice in action.

So until I reach my breaking point or God shows me how to balance these two things, I will keep making the choice to be kind to others and put their needs before my own.

But it might be worth looking into redefining kindness.  Do I have to smile and joke around?  Is that kind?  Or is that my way of avoiding actually engaging on a deeper level, because I don't trust people anymore?

Well, there's a whole can of worms.

What does it mean to engage with others in a Godly way?  Here's what I know: it has to start with the heart attitude.  I can talk as nice as I want, but if I'm thinking badly of others, I am not actually obeying God's command to love my neighbor.  Another thing I know: God did not create me to be exactly like anyone else, but I am called to be like Christ.  I can't measure my kindness by putting my words up next to someone else's and seeing how they compare.  But my attitude should be the same as Jesus'.  Yet another thing: this whole struggle is a part of my Christian walk.  God didn't promise me that walk would be easy, but he did promise to never leave me or forsake me.  His Word describes him as my strength, my fortress.  He is my Shepherd, and my Father.  I may struggle with this for the rest of my life, but I will never struggle alone.

Welp.  I don't want to spend my whole life putting a mask on for everyone else and then settling back down with a sigh of relief when I'm alone, which is what it feels like I've been doing lately.  And I don't want to be dishonest about who I am with those around me.  I do know that on one important level, I am what I do, so the fact that I can act a certain way means there is some truth in that.  But there's another level on which it's clear that if I'm exhausted and people are saying I'm not acting like me, there may be a gap between appearances and substance.

I think that as a Christian I shouldn't give free rein to negative emotions, by which I mean negative in a theological sense.  Not like sadness, which can be perfectly appropriate though unpleasant to feel at times, but things like envy, or anger in almost every situation.  But I do need to recognize that if I'm feeling those things, they're coming from somewhere.  Sins so often travel in packs, and emotions spring from thoughts and mindsets.  It's good to do some self-examination and be vulnerable.  Not only because the truth is important, and knowing it can help me get to the bottom of what's causing these things, but also because there's great value and comfort in being able to come to God with these things and confess and be held.

Anyhow, even if I don't come to any conclusions about anything, even if nothing is fixed, it's at least good and healthy to process some of the unpleasant emotions that I've been pushing under.  So praise God for that.  And thank God for Nick.

Emotions are good and natural, even though they are corrupted by the fall like everything else in this life.  It's good to feel them, and it's wrong for me to try to control them so tightly.  But it's also wrong to dwell on them for too long and with too much emphasis.  At the end of the day, I am not to follow my emotions.  I'm to follow God, and even when I can't trust myself I can trust his Word.

Now, I present to you a collection of memes that relate to our topic this evening.

[I gave up after getting tired of looking at all the dramatic, self-obsessed memes that people put out there and thought this was funnier, even though it in no way relates to the topic this evening.]

Music for the Masses: Parker McCollum, Morgan Wallen, and more

I’m never quite sure when the itch will hit me, or, more importantly, when the itch will be strong enough to break through everything else on my mind and to-do list, and claim priority. But I’ve been feeling it strengthen for the last couple weeks, fed largely by the new music I’ve been consuming and enjoying. New to me, at any rate.

There’s been a slew of good music released this year, and I haven’t listened to close to half of it. But with that being said, here’s what’s been on my heart to share, or at least to write down, for the benefit of myself and anyone who may happen to stumble across this post.

And just for fun, I’m going to rate each of these artists on scales of 1-5 for Marketing/Style, Songwriting, Vocals, and “Countryness”. Understand that I am not a professional in any way, shape, or form, and these are all my personal opinions which I will proceed to double guess at great length.

Cody Johnson

Marketing/Style - 3
Songwriting - 2 (this is not a songpicking score)
Vocals - 5
“Countryness” - 5

Human
The title track off of CoJo’s new album, this song is one of those confessional, bittersweet songs that I love, especially since it focuses a lot on restless tendencies, something I strongly relate to. It’s a love song and an apology, a self-derogatory assurance of growth, and straight down the middle country. I love some of these lines, from the “I’m sorry if I get kind of careless with your heart” in the first verse, to the chorus’s crowning, “Well I guess all I’m sayin’ is forgive me, if I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m still learning to be human.” Some of my favorite words, and the most interesting, are these in the second verse: “Bless your heart for never trying to fix me, or quit me, or slow me down.” CoJo doesn’t write all his own music, and he didn’t write this one, but he can pick the best of them.


I Always Wanted To
In this song, Cody Johnson sings the words of a 95 year old man who’s stubbornly hanging onto life, despite not being able to drive or change his own sheets, and reflecting on all the things he’s always wanted to do but never did. I think of it almost as a parallel universe to “‘Til You Can’t,” another song on this album, which basically says do all the things you can today, because someday you won’t be able to. In “I Always Wanted To,” he didn’t. It’s an incredibly sad, well-written song that cuts right down to the heart. “I guess even pictures we never take, memories we never made still fade. I never did all the things I wanted to do, but I always wanted to.” I find myself prone to paralyzed indecision a lot. This song is kind of a wake-up call.

By Your Grace
Cody Johnson’s Gospel offering finds some of his biggest vocals on the album, solid enough not to be overshadowed by the choir eventually backing him. When he sings, “Please take my chains,” he uses a vocal agility I honestly didn’t know he had to extend and escalate that last word, until he brings it down gently with, “and set me free.” But it’s the words that I echo as a prayer, finding them more and more applicable. “You’ve already paid every debt I owe.” “Let me not take for granted the depths of your forgiveness, because the only way I’m gonna be a better man is by your grace.”

Parker McCollum

Marketing/Style - 5
Songwriting - 3
Vocals - 4
“Countryness” - 4

There’s something incredibly attractive about Parker McCollum, and it’s not just his face. Unlike Cody Johnson, McCollum does write most of his own songs, and they tend to be self-deprecating songs, full of longing, regret, or often an emotional weariness, and heartbreaking resignation. He’s a feeler, and that feeling isn’t usually happiness. But he’s also (at least in his songs) tough and reckless. His fashion is the modern-day country equivalent of the old-time greasers, unbuttoned short-sleeve button up shirt over an impeccably white tee, jeans, and cowboy boots, topped off with a flat-brimmed ballcap, giving a cultivated bad-boy image that probably appeals most to teenage girls. What has music critics on board is the intelligence of the songwriting. His lyrics are fresh, well-crafted, and fit with hooks that are catchy enough to get stuck in your head, but contain too much depth to be annoying. He has mainstream appeal, and his music may be more on the modern side, but it’s also definitely country, which puts him above 75% of “country” artists you hear on the radio, even without the other benefits listed above. His style won’t appeal to everyone, but, as you may have guessed by now, it appeals to me.


Hold Me Back
This was not released this year, but I don’t think I’ve talked about it before, and it is my all-time favorite song of his, and one of my favorite songs of all time. The theme is similary to “Human.” He says, “There’s gasoline all over this ground. I strike a match and drop it down. I need someone to hold me back.” It’s a slow, gorgeous ballad about needing someone to help subdue his most reckless instincts.


To Be Loved By You
Also not released this year, this was the first song that actually got me listening to Parker McCollum. I had just gotten out of a quasi-breakup, and the best way to describe the feeling of this song is angry to tears. It fit the mood. Originally, this paragraph ended with the last sentence, but on the way home tonight I heard this announced on the radio as Parker McCollum’s new single. It’s interesting that after being out for probably about a year, it’s now getting pushed to country radio - and it looks like it’s getting traction.


Dallas
This is off of his current album, Gold Chain Cowboy, and the hook on this thing caught me the first time I listened to it. “If I don’t leave Dallas, I guess that means that I should be alone,” he says, with signature longing permeating his vocals. Stay or leave? Love or loneliness? It’s not far from a cliche, but it’s written with originality, and sounds great.


Never Loved You At All
The most truly fun song I’ve ever heard from McCollum, this has him at a honky-tonk and thinking, quite simply, “I wish that I had never loved you at all.” With the twangy guitar and rollicking piano behind his vocals, this one is kind of a guilty pleasure for me.


Why Indiana
One that caught my attention when I heard it, and continues to grow on me, McCollum looks for the humor in a breakup, asking why she had to break up with him over the phone while he’s in the middle of nowhere, instead of anywhere more significant.

Morgan Wallen

Marketing/Style - 5
Songwriting - 3
Vocals - 5
“Countryness” - 4


What a guy. What a reputation. What a songwriter. Let’s dive in with some quick looks at the artist who has gone from one of the ignored offerings of mainstream radio to one of my most listened to artists.


Wasted On You
When I listened to “To Be Loved by You,” I usually followed it up with this song. But please, whatever you do, listen to The Dangerous Sessions acoustic version of this, and not the studio version with the poppier production.


Wondering ‘Bout the Wind
In this song, the wind represents this girl’s wandering, and the way she’s always blowing in and then leaving out again. He’s not blaming her, instead he describes it more as just one of those unknown things in nature. Where does the wind come from, and where does it go? He doesn’t know. It’s poetic and existential, and does almost have a gusty feel to it.


Sand In My Boots
This tells the story of a trip to the beach and a fling that ends in nothing. Instead of taking her back to TN with him, he comes back with just some sand in his boots. It’s beautifully written, and contains this wonderful set of lines: “Yeah, but now I’m dodging potholes, in my sunburnt Silverado.” A picture may be worth a thousand words, but these ten words give a pretty clear scene.


Neon Eyes
Morgan Wallen is an adroit storyteller, and he shows it in this song about showing a girl the darker things in life, like jukeboxes and cigarettes, using the color of her eyes as a metaphor for her growth out of innocence.


Livin’ the Dream
“Mama don’t pray for my success anymore, yeah, but Mama still prays for me.” Morgan Wallen has had great success, but it’s come at a cost, and one that he feels. “Livin’ the Dream” finds him on the bottom of the highs and lows that come with fame (or at least that fame allows access to); drinking, partying, traveling nonstop. It’s honest and well-written, but again, please listen to The Dangerous Sessions version.


Don’t Think Jesus
One of Wallen’s unreleased songs that I stumbled across recently on YouTube, “Don’t Think Jesus” is humble and confessional in it’s approach. Echoing the previous song on this list, he starts by quickly describing his rise, but focusing in this song more on the vices, and the disapproval from those back home. Then, with raspy, rising vocals he describes what he would say to himself if he was in Jesus’ position, ending with an acknowledgement that he’s not Jesus, and Jesus doesn’t do it that way. I hope this ends up on the next album, because it’s really a beautiful song, and shows a side of Morgan that I wish he exposed more often.

In Came You - Mikele Buck

I first heard Tyler Hatley’s of this song, which was endearing in a sly, quirky way, but Mikele Buck’s original rendition has a more full-bodied country sound, which gives this fun, interesting song more bite and depth. It’s a very enjoyable listen. It’s also funny, because most songs of this type (“I was living life all wrong before I met you”) are semi-believable, but also feel exaggerated. I tend to think, okay, maybe you were drinking too much, but I’m sure you still had good friendships. The stretch from bad person to “good” person doesn’t seem so far. But this one is impossible to think that about. He’s drinking non-stop, fornicating flagrantly, feeding addictive habits with people he thinks are his friends, and “feeling pretty good about some pretty bad living.” Not only is his lifestyle terrible, he’s not ashamed of it.

But as a Christian, I’m reminded that this is the path we would all go down if left to our own corrupted human nature, and it would get even worse. The only thing that keeps us from it is God’s grace. And by his grace, we are changed when he saves us, fundamentally all at once, and gradually grow more and more like Jesus in every way. “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.” (Titus 2:11-14)

In came you, indeed.

Hardy

Marketing/Style - 5
Songwriting - 5
Vocals - 4
“Countryness” - 3

Hardy has written a fair bit of Morgan Wallen’s songs, so they often have a similar sound, and I would guess that a Venn diagram of their audiences would almost just be one circle, but Hardy has kept some of his Hardy-est songs for himself, songs that use smart writing to talk about those cliches that people who hate country music complain about. You know what I’m talking about: trucks, girls, beer. You’re going to find all that in a Hardy song, but it’s going to have more detail. Hardy doesn’t just make bro country. Hardy makes bro country cool.


A Rock
This is my favorite song by Hardy. He takes the idea of a rock and moves it through life with the simple refrain of “A rock, a rock.” It’s both simple and profound, both down-to-earth and surprisingly sophisticated.


One Beer
“One Beer” is not just a good song, it’s an interesting story. It tells about an unplanned pregnancy that leads to a shotgun wedding and a family being formed. It’s not anything too surprising in this day and age, but the way it’s told is impactful. One beer sets this massive snowball of events rolling, but this is life. Things change. It’s not about fighting that change, or trying to control it, but rather learning to accept it. And it doesn’t turn into a perfect life either. The last line of the song is, “Here we go again, drinking alcohol.” Yet life goes on.


If you’re interested in Hardy and would like to know more, I would highly, highly recommend watching Grady Smith’s video, “How Hardy Hacked the Bro Country Code.” It is a tremendously informative and well-made resource, as is most of what Grady Smith makes.

Flatland Cavalry

Marketing/Style - 2
Songwriting - 4
Vocals - 3
“Countryness” - 5


Life Without You
This is the inverse of a previous song featuring Kaitlin Butts called “A Life Where we Work Out,” where a broken-up couple take turns imagining what life would be like if they had stayed together. Now married to lead singer Cleto Cordero, Kaitlin Butts is back to help imagine not being together. Cleto describes it as, “A Tuesday at the motel by the Denny’s on the dingy side of town.” Simply depressing. And yet the silver lining in this song is that the fact that they’re singing it proves they are together.


...Meantime
The harmonies on the chorus are what set this aside for me. Also a duet, this one with Hailey Whitters, "...Meantime" discourages anticipating the future at the cost of enjoying the present.


Tilt Your Chair Back
Everyone needs some time to rest, and get out of the grind, to “let your worries for tomorrow fall amongst the leaves.” This is a beautifully written and sung call to do just that, with simple instrumentation that almost makes you feel like you’re sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair, letting your cares go.

Cody Jinks

Marketing/Style - 4
Songwriting - 4 (this score would have been higher in years past)
Vocals - 4
“Countryness” - 4


If you’ve read my previous music posts, you know that I love Cody Jinks. I’ve never related to an artist more, despite the obvious differences that he’s a 30 year old married man with two kids and a full-time country music career out of Texas. His latest album, Mercy, is not my favorite of his, but it has some solid songs.


Roll
My favorite off of Mercy, Roll says, “Yeah, I know life ain’t easy. Man, believe me, I lose more than I win. You just gotta roll with the flow and the punches.” Despite the whole “life’s not fair,” message, this is one of the most relaxing songs I’ve ever heard from Jinks, and just plain enjoyable.


How It Works
Despite seeming more like rock than country at some points, the rhythm and love story behind this song make it well worth a listen. Cody’s love songs are often expressed in negative terms, like in my favorite one, “No Words,” where he starts the song by proclaiming that he no longer believes there’s good in every man. In fact I believe the only love song he has that doesn’t turn negative at any point is “Dreamed With One.” “How It Works” shows the doubts of everyone around, asking how his relationship with his wife works. And yet, it does.


Nobody Knows How to Read
This song is both discouraging and smartly written. Jinks takes a hand at vague social commentary, talking about agendas being sold to the masses, and being cut into classes. It’s the final lines of the chorus that really show the strength of this song though. “Keep your ear to the ground, there’s signs all around, and nobody knows how to read.”


I Don’t Trust My Memories Anymore
You would almost think this is an old Merle Haggard song. Unlike “How It Works” this song doesn’t venture into the rock realm, and instead remains squarely, steadily country, with steel guitar and dobro swelling at key moments to elevate it to sounding like a modern day country classic. This is one of the things I love about Cody Jinks; he may have his love for the rock genre, and take some of his own music in that direction at times, but he also sincerely loves real country and takes the time to show it.


Birds
This is from a few years back, but I wanted to include it because I’ve started listening to it in the past few months with renewed interest. When I first heard “Birds” I didn’t think much about it. It didn’t have the emotional heft for me that something like “Heavy Load” or “Head Case” did. But my anxiety has been a steady theme for the past year, and it’s been a comfort to hear the patient guitar, steady drum, and sympathetic steel guitar behind this solo write by Jinks. “I know one day there’ll be solace, so I’ll just live ‘til then. If I could only leave my worries with the birds of the wind.”


Blacksheep
Off of Jinks’ 2013 album (EP I guess?) of the same name, this song depicts a black sheep giving his wool away to different people, including his family, a dead man in an alleyway, and Jesus Christ. It’s one of his most incomprehensible songs in my opinion, but also one of the most interesting from a lyrical standpoint. It moves slowly, but if you listen to the words, the repeating chorus of “I stand naked and cold as a crowd gathers ‘round,” packs a real punch.


Other Cody Jinks songs to listen to:

- Fast Hand (from Black Sheep)
- Thunderheads (from 30)
- Prairie House Redemption (from 30) (very interesting sonically)
- Give All You Can (from I’m Not the Devil)

- Tell 'Em What it's Like (from After the Fire)

There's only so much I can say...

This post is far longer than I thought it would be, and even if I kept it going for another three thousand words, I wouldn't be able to list all the music I've had the pleasure to listen to in the last year, or even the last three months.  I love music, and I hope this post helps at least one other person find at least one song that means something to them.

So long,

Anna